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During the period 1985 - 1986 I found myself working in a boring homophobic office where I would fantasise all day long about having sex with men I passed in the lift. I became depressed and had a nervous breakdown. At this point I told my brother I was gay and he and his wife laughed. I burst into tears.

I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital in 1987. I was asked whether I was worried about my sexuality. I said no and was discharged.

I started going to drama workshops and found myself in the company of openly gay men. None who I fancied. I spent several years acting and writing plays. I was happy until I started fancying someone and the whole cycle of unrequited lust would start up.

I had another breakdown just before going to university in 1994 and was diagnosed with manic depression. I came out to my family during a psychotic episode. I began to feel comfortable about my sexuality and began to write about gay characters and situations. At this point I wore the 'gay badge', but did not have the lifestyle.

Today I am comfortable with who I am and talking about my experiences. I am single and have yet to meet the man of my dreams. He's got to be kind, clever, understanding, and look like a Swedish porn star! I look at myself - I'm kind, clever, understanding and overweight! Never the twain shall meet! I don't know I haven't given up. Part of the pleasure is in the fantasising and i wouldn't trade in my experiences - not now anyway.

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